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Published on March 19th, 2009 | by Darren Byrne

13

10 Reasons Why I Won’t Be Going to the Meteors Next Year

1. Amanda Byram

Amanda Byram and Dave Fanning

Amanda Byram and Dave Fanning

Do I really need to explain this one? The woman is void of personality. No, I lie. She has personality. She has the personality of dirty middle aged sweaty bachelor, rather than that of a 35 year old woman. Every single man who came onto the screens, who came onto the stage, who came anywhere near the damn auditorium she greeted with a Phwoar! or some sleezy remark. Show a bit of class and stop behaving like a skank, woman. Bearing in mind that the majority of the show’s audience were young teens, surely she should have behaved a little better than that. Eugh! She makes me want to wretch.

2. The Stewards

Lottie asked me repeatedly if I was ok. I was – I just had a confused look on my face every time I watched the stewards try to deal with the public. No, more than that – with the VIPs and nominees. One female steward in particular actually shouted at people. She even gave out to Mick Pyro. Actually, truth be told, one of the finest moments of the night was watching Mick Pyro walk back to his seat with his tail between his legs. He used to scare me a little. Not anymore.

3. Brand Stereophonics

Ok, don’t get me wrong; I like The Stereophonics, or at least I like their early stuff, but the medley they did of their songs sounded like some kind of late night TV ad. I understand they were trying to sell their new Best Of, but the medley was a blatant and cheap ploy. Could they not just do one solid track and leave it be?

Stereophonics

Stereophonics

4. Water

MCD and the organisers should be ashamed of themselves. During the show, they closed the bar. Ok, I understand they don’t want people spending the night in the bar instead of in their seats, but they closed the bar completely. We couldn’t get a glass of water. Almost three hours in the hot auditorium, in uncomfortable seats, without even a sip of water. Just one of the many badly run parts of the evening. Oh, and while I’m on the subject of the bar. It was a tent. It was nicely lit, it had plenty of room, but overall it was a quite grubby and cheap looking tent. May I suggest holding the event in a venue with suitable facilities next year? Perhaps in The O2 (sorry Meteor).

5. Three Minute Breaks?

If you say you’re having a three minute break, have a three minute break. With no water and small rickety seat that slanted awkwardly, the three minute break that lasted 15 minutes were stupid and further evidence of how badly organised they were.

The Script

The Script

6. St. Patrick’s Night

Why the hell did they hold the event on a Tuesday night or, moreover, on St. Patrick’s Night? Last year there was an abundance of empty seats in the house, so who’s bright idea was it to hold the Meteors on the one night of the year that almost everyone (not me!) has got better things to do? The seat fillers were so busy running around trying to make double of themselves. It was a horrible mess.

 

7. Enrique Iglesias is a Twat

Enrique Iglesias

Enrique Iglesias

Look, I understand that his presence there is to please and appease the legions of teenage girls, but there’s no getting past the fact that he and his music were the worst part of the live performances. And yes, I am including Boyzone‘s uncomfortably hypnotic gyrations in that.

8. The End

Those who watched the televised version of the show saw it close with Mundy and the Lifetime Achievement Award recipient, Sharon Shannon, playing Galway Girl. What we saw was the gorgeous and glorious Camille O’Sullivan come onto the stage and play out the show with Sharon. Whether it was the organisers bad timing or the fact that they fecked up the audio on Camille’s microphone, TV viewers missed out.

9. Pat Kenny

Pat Kenny

Pat Kenny

Okay, this isn’t so much a gripe at The Plank as much as it is at the person who chose him to introduce the very pompous Humanitarian Award. I wasn’t the only person in the audience who didn’t know who the recipient, Father Shay Cullen, was (I have since correct this). So, when the extremely inanimate Pat began telling us about him, he came across as a very dubious character. More than once he made reference to the child abuse allegations and the fact that he was arrested over 60 times.

Now, having done some minor research, I find that Father Shay Cullen was nominated three times for the Nobel Peace Prize; I find that he established Preda Foundation in the Philippines in 1974 to promote human rights, justice and peace; I see that he strives to eliminate child abuse and promote respect for children’s rights; I read that the allegations against him were false and were, in fact, part of an effort to frame him; I read that his arrests were as a result of him trying to help children and do the right thing. I know all of this now, but…when Pat was drolling on, the murmurings across the auditorium were ‘child abuse’, ‘paedophile’, ‘arrested’ and unless people knew who Father Cullen was, there were huge questions being raised in peoples heads.

Father Shay Cullen

Father Shay Cullen

I wonder who it was who wrote the terrible script – was it Pat himself, or was it some now-unemployed scriptwriter?

10. Amanda Byram

Yes, I am aware I have already mentioned her, but she really was awful. Not only did she attempt to verbally rape every man that she saw, she also made efforts to use every single cliché in the English language. With every ‘let’s get this party started’ and ‘are you ready for more‘, it seemed to make more sense to have her hosting some children’s TV show. But…I’m not sure I’d want her filthy mouth anywhere near children.

Autocue

Amanda's Autocue

It’s not all bad…

I did enjoy myself to some degree. The acts that performed were mostly very good. Elbow were fantastic and were the highlight of the night, while Sharon Shannon, Imelda May and, of course, Duke Special were all brilliant and if there was more music, less talking it would have been a better night. But I understand that this is the nature of an awards show, so I can forgive that. We didn’t hang around for the aftershow party, but went down to The Village on Camden Street instead. There, we had a few beers, some great conversation and finished the night on a high.

Duke Special and Band

Duke Special and Band


Imelda May

Imelda May


The Lads

The Lads


No, next year I will not be going to the Meteors, but you just might spot me in The Village having a pint…

 

Check out some more of my pictures of the night here.


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About the Author

Blogger, writer, movie buff, amateur dramatist and all round nice guy. When I'm not spouting about on Culch.ie, I can be found Tweeting inanities @DarrenByrne or @Culch_ie. I am the admin behind Culch.ie and if you want to contact me for anything, drop me a mail.



13 Responses to 10 Reasons Why I Won’t Be Going to the Meteors Next Year

  1. Tippryan says:

    Brilliant,I really enjoyed that.Well written and i totally agree 100 % with you on all 10 points.I watched it on Tv with my daughter…I can see where your coming from.
    I AM STILL LAUGHING ,Comedian you are

  2. Maxi Cane says:

    Hey, don’t knock being a dirty middle aged sweaty bachelor. ‘scuze yourself.

    I wouldn’t kick her out of the bed.

    If you’re not at the Meteors next year I’ll set up a blog about wholesome values.

  3. NaRocRoc says:

    I was wondering why it was on in the RDS and not the o2. I’m a bit slow like that but thankfully the last few lines of point 4 cleared that up for me!

    Oh and Stereophonics have well and truly waved goodbye to any credibility they ever had. Anyone who performs a medley should be taken outside and shot.

  4. Lottie says:

    Ah bah humgug! I agree with many of the points, in particular the lack of water during the show but it was an Awards ceremony so there are always going to be hitches. It will never run as smoothly as a concert.

    Here are my 6 reasons I will go enxt year:

    1. It’s an excuse to dress up.
    2.Great performances such as Duke Special & Elbow.
    3. Enrique – who knew. I always thought he looks a bit yack but I am reformed.
    4. The fashion. It’s fun scoping out the wonderful to ridiculous outfits people show up in.
    5. I can boast to my friends that I was sitting behind Imelda May.
    6. The Village. While not technically connected tot he show – it was my first time there and I really liked it.

    (I was going for 10 but 6 is all I can think of so early in the morning)

  5. Rick O'Shea says:

    Everyone has forgotten to mention how great Imelda May smelled…

    Can I mention that again?

    🙂

  6. Lottie says:

    @Rick – We weren’t THAT close. It’s a little creepy. Really!

  7. Darren Byrne says:

    @Tippryan Thank you very much. 😀

    @Maxi Is that a threat?

    @NaRocRoc Yeah, I was a little slow with that one too.

    @Lottie Enrique? You’re welcome to him. I’ll settle for Imelda ‘smells so great’ May.

    @Rick And how about that very tight dress that was painted onto her? Mmmm!

  8. Rick O'Shea says:

    *ahem*

    Anyway… I was a little peeved at not getting to see Camille’s great performance too, less so at them cutting out the funny half of my speech and leaving in the functional bit (note to self – reverse the order so they can’t cut it out next year!).

    In all fairness to Amanda she had a very poorly written script, particularly after following Dara O’Briain last year who was just brilliant, as usual.

    The water thing was an issue alright – I was talking to a fellow nominee drinking from a tap in the toilets because it was either that or he collapse.

    The things we do for rock and roll 🙂

  9. Sinead says:

    So what did Imelda May smell of exactly?

    Yummy cakes I bet.

  10. Voodoolady says:

    I flicked in and out but it was so boring. I think if we put on an awards show we should at least TRY and get some decent international acts. I mean Enrique?? Come one, when was he famous, 2003?

  11. le craic says:

    Sounds like a disaster – and without seeing it – would totally agree about Amanda Byram anyway – I honestly don’t know what TV people see in her as a presenter of anything. Aidan Power would have been a better choice to present the thing I think.

  12. Dom says:

    For fans of Duke Special you can watch the Sweet Kisses video and download a free track from the widget below – enjoy!

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