OFFICE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN
To all Jihadists,
Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organization)
Hi guys. We’ve all been putting in long hours recently but we’ve really come
together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight the
infidels in this New Year, we can’t forget to take care of the cave, and frankly
I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should
be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive
dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I’ve done my bit on the cleaning -Rota .. have you? I’ve posted a sign-up sheet
near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second, it’s not often I make a video address. But when I do, I’m trying to
scare the shit out of most of the world’s population, okay? That means that
while we’re taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep
doing the ‘wassup’ thing. Thanks.
Third -food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently. I clearly wrote “Ossy” on the
front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone.
Consideration -that’s all I’m saying.
Fourth, I’m not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves
from the infidel’s bat and ball games. Please do not chant “Ozzy, ozzy, ozzy,
oi, oi, oi” when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Fifth -graffiti. Whoever wrote “OSAMA F_CKS DONKEYS” on the group toilet wall it’s
a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge
of the mountain.
Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam -the old excuse that the
‘chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the
mountain’ will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there is a grey area).
Finally, we’ve heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to
infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol
will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Steve.
Love you lots,
PS -I’m sick of having “Osama Bed Linen” scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it
out, it’s not funny anymore.