Published on July 6th, 2009 | by Colonel Popcorn3
Would you rather forget all about the disaster that was Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen? Me too.
As a new recruit of the Culch team I would like to bring back the happier memories of the first movie. It was a simpler time, a happier time and an easier to follow time.
Director – Michael “Blow the world up, watch them burn” Bay
Executive Producer – Stephen “The powers of my genius are in my beard” Speilberg
White stereotypical hero soldier
Black stereotypical “Say what?” soldier
Latin stereotypical says everything in Spanish soldier
Ginger soldier, there’s always one
Bernie Mac’s ghost
Inspector Ned Kenny from “The General”
Some hot Australian chick
One of Jim Carrey’s black sons from “Me, Myself and Irene”, except he’s lost a lot of weight
Original Optimus Prime
Jesus from The Big Lebowski
Shit load of army dudes
Shit load of Transformers
Right, so the Transformers lost their Rubix cube wotsit and they think they left it down the back of our couch. They want it back, but are fighting over it. The good Transformers want to use it for good and prove they can solve the puzzle. The bad Transformers couldn’t be arsed and want to rip all the stickers off and put them back on to look like they’ve solved it proper, hence looking like they’re all that.
Fuckhead gets caught in the middle.
The Transformers come to Earth in search of their Rubix cube and they need the help of Fuckhead.
In the meantime, the army has it’s head up it’s arse because a bad Transformer has already ripped them a new one. They would have seen it coming, but white soldier was too busy Skyping his missus and black soldier dude was off at a bbq. Latin soldier was confusing everybody with his Spanish and ginger soldier was fuck all use to anybody because he had sunburnt himself and was peeling like a beyotch.
Fuckhead goes to by a new car from Bernie Mac’s ghost and the car he buys turns out to be his very own Transformer. The Transformer is in the form of some famous old American car, but it’s the equivalent of a Nissan Almera circa 1997.
Fuckhead takes his Transmera to a lake party to pick up the bonerific Megan Foxy and to the astonishment of the civilised world, it works.
Later that night, the Transmera does a runner to a random, vague warehouse/plant/shipyard type place, and turns into a giant that is so spectacular George Lucas gets a hard on just thinking about the invoice he’ll do up for ILM’s work on it.
Fuckhead gets arrested. Happy days.
The next day, Fuckhead gets chased by his Transmera to some disused area under a motorway and looks for help from the poh-leece. But, the poh-leece car turns out to be a big evil Transformer, and asks him about his Ebay account. This is why you can’t run away from negative seller info on Ebay, it’ll always come back to kick your ass. Fuckhead doesn’t know what’s going on, but Megan Foxy turns up and then the Transmera turns up and takes Fuckhead and Megan Foxy away from the poh-leece.
The poh-leece car chases the Transmera and just as you think you’re watching an episode of “Police, Camera, Tallaght!”, the two cars change into giant robots and kick the b’Jesus out of each other.
The Transmera wins, and takes Fuckhead and Megan Foxy to safety. In a moment that cinema should be ashamed of itself for, Megan Foxy climbs onto Fuckhead’s lap, where he probably had a chubby.
The poh-leece. Recognise.
Just then, Michael Bay realises he has sponsors to keep happy and makes the Transmera turn into a sexier Ford Focus circa 2006, the Transfocus.
The Transfocus takes them to meet the rest of the Transformers and we see the kick ass Optimus Prime and the rest of the posse. The original Optimus Prime has come out of voice actor retirement and made geeks soil themselves.
Optimus Prime is a suped up Harris Hino, and the rest of his buds turn into whatever cars belong to whatever sponsors have made Michael Bay their bitch. There’s also a Mr Whippy van in there somewhere.
They tell Fuckhead that his grand daddy’s glasses hold the key to finding which couch their Rubix cube is hidden down. They go to Fuckhead’s house to find them.
In the meantime, the army are trying to figure out who attacked them in the desert, and a hot Australian chick tells them that it’s aliens. They don’t believe her. So she goes to get Jim Carrey’s formerly fat son from “Me, Myself and Irene” and he also thinks it’s aliens. They go and see Inspector Ned Kenny from “The General” and he asks them what they talkin’ bout Willis.
While this is going on, the four soldiers are being attacked in a different part of the desert. Lots happens and the ginger gets eaten by the evil transformer that’s kicking arse. The soldiers win and go home to see Inspector Ned Kenny.
Back at Fuckhead’s house where he searches for the glasses.
They get a knock at the door at a time when you think it might be a very inappropriate time for a Jehovah’s witness to call, but it’s one better. It’s Jesus himself, well The Jesus from “The Big Lebowski”, and he’s not happy.
He tells everyone that “nobody fucks with The Jesus”, because he works for a secret government agency. He arrests everyone including the houseplants.
Right so then all this happens, pay attention:
The Jesus threatens Fuckhead and Megan Foxy.
Optimus Prime, The Transfocus, the Mr Whippy Van and the rest of them turn up to save Fuckhead and Megan Foxy and to harass The Jesus. But no one fucks with The Jesus.
More dudes from the secret agency turn up and resurrect The Jesus from the lamp post he’s tied to.
They capture the Transfocus and take it away to the Hoover dam, where the Rubix cube and the big cheese of the evil Transformers have been since long before the fillum started. The Jesus and Inspector Ned Kenny take Fuckhead and Megan Foxy into the dam and show them the daddy of the bad Transformers, Mega Ron. And much to Mega Ron’s frustration, he’s been right beside the Rubix cube all these years. Ain’t that always the way?
Mega Ron is just chillin’, lil bit of illin’ when Fuckhead convinces The Jesus to let the The Transfocus go from the most invasive NCT ever.
The Transfocus takes the Rubix cube and sticks in his pocket, they all give a finger to the Mega Ron and do a runner. They’re too late, because the rest of the evil Transformers eventually turn up to the fillum having taken a wrong turn with their sat navs.
For the rest of the fillum, Michael Bay blows shit up, Fuckhead does a lot of running, Megan Foxy gets sweaty and drives a toe truck, because trust a poxy Ford to break down when it’s needed most. The soldiers all do instantly forgettable stuff, and still get signed up for the sequel. The Transformers kick seven shades of shite out of each other trying to get their hands on the Rubix cube, that Fuckhead is running around with.
With no more appearances from the hot Australian or The Jesus, Fuckhead takes charge like a teacher in a playground. He takes the Rubix cube and declares that if they can’t share it, then no one will play with it and locks it away in a chest. Mega Ron throws a world class shit fit and dies from tantrum seizures.
Optimus makes a cheesy speech about honour and bravery while holding a piece of Mr Whippy Van in each hand, cos he was ripped apart by the evil Transformers. Personally I think he shouldn’t speak at Mr Whippy’s funeral if that’s the best he could come up with.
Mega Ron is dumped in the sea which leaves it wide open for a sequel, if not with the rest of the Transformers, then maybe in “Finding Nemo 2, Dori comes out”.
Everybody is about to live happily ever after when Megan Foxy straddles Fuckhead on the Transfocus and I want to kill everyone in a 5 mile radius.
Optimus Prime says something that in no way hides the notion of a sequel, it went something like, “We’re making a second one”.
Megan Foxy and the hot Australian needed more scenes together, maybe having a fight. In custard. Apart from that, the movie rocks the house.