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Published on September 1st, 2009 | by Lisa McInerney


Sweary’s Jaw

Surreptitiously reading Heat, so you don’t have to.

Anyone else like a bit of fluffy celebrity gossip with their cuppa? Ever been frightened by the “culture” part of pop-culture? Do you know more about Jordan, the Boobmeister, than Jordan, that gaff in the Middle East? No? Er … me neither. No. This whole gossip column thing for culch.ie is part of my community service, alright? Although I must say that there’s something vaguely comforting about indulging in a bit of frothy nonsense from time to time – after all, if there’s anything that will make you feel a little more cultured, it’s knowing that somewhere out there, a celebrity is making a twat of themselves. On with the slapstick, then!

X FactorThe X-Factor is back on our screens with a celebrated new format … in Dannii Minogue’s forehead. Yup, The One Who Isn’t Cheryl has claimed she’s fed up of looking like a painted egg and would like to branch into some facial expressions this year. She needn’t bother, let’s face it; Cheryl Cole’s professional emoting cannot be improved upon. Honestly, the woman’s been moved more times than the average bowel. Most skinnies stuff their bras with toilet roll; I suspect Cheryl enhances her assets with peeled onions.

Dannii has also said that she believes Simon Cowell looks down on God, which she finds “incredibly exciting”. And while I agree that Simon Cowell is just the right side of arrogant, I don’t agree with going around calling Louis Walsh “God.” Far from God he was reared. In Mayo.

The Incredible Shrinking The Incredible Expanding The Just Plain Incredible Kerry Katona is having an equally exciting time, though for much less ludicrous reasons. After confirming everyone’s snidest suspicions when she was filmed snorting cocaine, Kerry’s been dropped by Iceland as their “spokesmum”, was questioned by police, kicked her accountant’s door in, and even managed to raise the eyebrows of ex-husband Brian McFadden, who declared that the best hills were in Australia when he decided to run for them. Some reckon that Kerry’s husband, Mark Croft, is the source of all her woes; certainly the Sisterhood seem reluctant to believe that Kerry’s downfall was orchestrated only by herself. But as their on/off relationship still keeps Kerry in the public eye, can we expect to hear a lot more about pending divorce and tearful reconciliation? We have a word for the likes of Mark Croft in Cork. Langball. No point telling Kerry, though, for fear she’d read Langball for Speedball, and consume poor Mark, bones and all.

Meanwhile, Stateside, Chris Brown has claimed that he can’t remember beating up ex-girlfriend Rihanna back in February. Although he’s also claimed that he was distraught afterwards. How disorienting must it be to feel distraught and not know why? Bouts of amnesia can be pretty horrific, alright. Poor lamb.

Michael JacksonOf course, where would I be without mentioning the latest Michael Jackson news? Never mind the fact that his death has been ruled as homicide, setting a disturbing precedent for witch-hunts after overdoses and other acts of supreme stupidity, but now it’s been suggested that Macaulay Culkin is the biological father of Michael’s youngest child … er … “Blanket”. And somehow, everyone seems surprised by this nugget. Hasn’t this rumour been around longer than Twink at this stage? And who really cares who donated what for the creation of Jackson’s uber-brood? Unless it turns out that the children have actually been sewn together from the body parts of the rich and the heinous, you’re unlikely to find me giving half a toss. See what I did there? Half a toss? No? Oh, forget it.

And flying the Irish flag for daft carry-on, this week Glenda Gilson bought a Lir jet and flew the Billie Barry kids into the Atlantic.

Alright, so I made that bit up. Let’s face it, the Irish celebrities haven’t been very interesting lately. The most intriguing snippet I’ve read involved Noirin from Big Brother being photographed at two events wearing the same dress. If there’s one thing I’d ask, as a pitiable noob here on culch.ie, it’s that you all go out and antagonise a local dignitary as soon as possible, so I have something to write about next week. Just don’t tell them I sent you; that community service is just about as long as I can take.

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About the Author

That cranky young wan from award-winning blog, Arse End Of Ireland, Lisa’s also noted for her dedication to cobbling together unrelated imprecations to make new and bemusing insults, mostly because she’s not eloquent enough to otherwise explain her deep-seated terror of genre fiction and Fianna Fail. In 2006, The Irish Times called her “… the most talented writer at work in Ireland today”, and her mam still can’t understand why this is better than being the new Marian Keyes. Which it totally is. Alright? Website Twitter: @SwearyLady Facebook.com/sweary Last FM: LeislVonTrapp

18 Responses to Sweary’s Jaw

  1. oooh another cuchie on Cuch.ie, and an award winning one no less. Howaye LM, great first post.

    But, er, Heat? You? Really?

  2. Sweary says:

    Honest, my cousin buys it, and I end up reading it when my brain becomes uncomfortably crowded with useful and worthy information.

    And thanks!

  3. It’s one of those things that I see (usually in surgeries, barbers and the like), leaf through and wonder why the hell they’re so popular. I mean, photos aside, they are so light on anything interesting (at least to me), is it just to make “ordinary” people feel better about themselves?

    Of course I feel the same about Nuts, Zoo and all those other “lads mags”. It’s at least 18 months since I last bought a copy of FHM or Bizarre. Just got bored!

  4. Sweary says:

    They’re entirely meant to make people feel better about themselves. Plus, they’re full of bright pictures and you can read them without engaging your brain, very handy when you’ve got one eye on the oven or the horse-racing or whatever it is you kids are into these days.

  5. It’s the cocaine and the casual racism these days, don’t cha know.

  6. hugo fitzpatrick says:

    “they’re full of bright pictures and you can read them without engaging your brain”

    This strangely just sounds like the internet to me…

  7. Sweary says:

    Yeah, but the bright pictures on the internet are much more disturbing.

    I’m actually serious.

  8. Kazzy Wazzy says:

    I read ‘antagonise a local dictionary’. Would that be an Irish, English or a Portuguese one?

  9. Sweary says:

    How would an Irish dictionary be “local”? That’s a foreign tongue, that!

  10. Kazzy Wazzy says:

    Go bhfora Dia orm!

    Or something like that.

  11. Maxi Cane says:

    Welcome Sweary.

    As for antagonising a local celeb, I served lunch to the wan Sharon from The Snapper over the weekend.

    It was funny to hear the Italian waitress not realise I was talking about a film when she gave the bill and thanked Mr and Mrs Burgess for their custom.

  12. It was funny to hear the Italian waitress not realise I was talking about a film when she gave the bill and thanked Mr and Mrs Burgess for their custom.

    Please please tell me this is true. Please.

    It’s not, is it. Pity 🙁

  13. Maxi Cane says:

    It is entirely true.

    I was explaining to the fully foreign staff what The Snapper was, that she was Sharon and made pregnant by a Mr Burgess. Because she was there with her husband and two kids, the waitress thought I was talking about friends of mine and not a movie.

    Luckily they just laughed it off.

  14. Good girl Sharon.

    I mean Tina.

    Fair play to them. Ha.

  15. Sweary says:

    Like Darragh, I prayed that that was true.

    There is a God.

  16. Swe.Ge says:

    I nearly ran over David Byrne on my way into work one evening…

  17. hugo fitzptrick says:

    Maxi that is possibly the best story ever!

    What irish person doesn’t love that film?

    We Say “Snip Snip Mr Burgess” in my house all the time!

  18. R says:

    Judges arguing, emotions running high, wrong song choices, fighting from the bottom two for a second week running, Louis still absent, and Whitney popping out of her dress mid way through her performance. You couldn’t write drama this good. I love the live shows, they always produce some intense entertainment, as this last week just showed. But how in the hell are the twins still in??? Read more of my thoughts on http://robert-strobel.com

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