For the Articles – Part 2


I started this a couple of weeks back.

I buy magazines, always have done.  Anything that grabs my interest.  Film mags, DVD mags, the occasional video game mag, science mags (well just Focus really), but most of all I buy men’s mags.

FHM, Maxim, Front, Loaded, ICE, Nuts, Zoo, Arena anything I haven’t already read and that appears new on the stand.

The last post was just kind of an intro to the series that I’ll be doing.  What I have planned is to take a copy of whatever magazine I buy and review it’s contents.  I won’t be doing every magazine every month, because I wouldn’t have the interest in reviewing that many, and you wouldn’t have the interest in reading about them all.

Why am I doing this?

Because I have no problem walking into a newsagents, looking straight up to the top shelf and picking out my favourite magazine.

But a lot of people still do.

I still get rolled eyes and tuts from women, of all ages, when I pick one up and bring it straight to the register.  The person, usually a woman too, will then quickly scan it, fold it over and ask me for the money without making eye contact.  Why are they more embarrassed than me with this transaction?  They sell it, which obviously means I’m not the only one buying them.

Of course I’m not.

Some men still feel guilty about buying these magazines, and I suspect some of it may be down to the behaviour of the vendors.  You’ll see men pick up a copy of FHM and tuck it between a copy of the Indo and a Company, for “herself”.  I’m guessing “herself” is more than capable of buying her own mags and the Indo gets flicked through at the desk in the office during the coffee break before someone nicks it for the Sudoku puzzles.  All in all, a very expensive trip to the newsagents for a single mag.

Then there’s the reading of them.  This series is called For the Articles, and that’s why I buy the magazines.  Let’s face it if I wanted to buy a magazine full of nearly naked women, why wouldn’t I buy a magazine of actually naked women?  They’re not much more expensive and sold in all the same places.  These magazines have pictures of women all the way through them, but to be honest if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.  At least the articles are entertaining enough to hold your attention for more than 10 seconds (for the most part anyway).  In my opinion it’s shallow, sheltered and immature males who buy these magazines for the pictures, and for a number of reasons.

  1. Like I’ve said you can buy magazines with actual naked women in them.  Softcore, hardcore from newsagents or adult shops.  We all know this already.  Why settle for a half dozen pages of women who are nude or scantily clad, but never showing anything really gratuitous, when for the same price you can cancel all the pesky text and advertisements?
  2. They actually believe that the girls pictured are really barmaids from their local bars, hairdressers from their local barbers or the vet they’ll bring their sick pooch too.  They’re not.  They’re all doing those photos for £100 a shoot while they build a glamour portfolio to try and land an agent.  You couldn’t pull them in your local bar over a swift half after work.  You won’t swoon them with witty banter over a short back and sides, and you haven’t even got a dog.  Get a grip.
  3. Boys, teenagers or whatever can’t get into an adult shop or get a credit card to order online.  Ok, so boys will be boys and some will find their father’s stash, but for the most part this will be the most readily available source of nearly nude women that some will have.

Now I’m not made of stone, I will of course look at the pictures.  I don’t drool or leer over them, they’re no more racy than page three.  Not to me anyway.  Which is why when I’ve finished giving them a glance, I’ll flick over to the article on the next page.

Jokes, reader’s embarrassing stories, investigative pieces on real life actual pirates, crime gangs and prisons, throw away articles and articles to make you think.  Pieces that make you smile, smirk, chortle to yourself and sometimes even laugh out loud.  There are pieces on movies, dvd’s, music, books, fashion, video games, there’s even agony aunt pages.  Ok, so they’re all aimed at men, but why not?

I was going to feature magazines like Playboy, Hustler and Penthouse but they’re a whole different league.  Yes they feature articles that are very well written by educated and respected writers and journalists.  But in a chicken and egg situation, the egg was only laid well and truly after a lot of drumsticks had been spread over a lot of centerfolds.

The cynic in me thinks they brought in the articles to attempt to be taken seriously, but they started as nude mags.  I will research this though and if I’m wrong I’ll correct it during the series.

Basically I’m sick of getting dirty looks, tuts, rolled eyes and whispers whenever I buy or read these magazines.  It’s not like I’m warming my ankles with my bunched up jeans as I knock one out on the train.  I’m passing the time by reading my magazine, for the articles, missus.  As I’m sure you are with your copy of Cosmo that just happens to feature bronzed men with chiseled six packs and enough erotic fiction to take Hugh Hefner off Viagra.  And I’m the filthy one!

The series will start properly in the next post when I look at and pick apart the latest issue of Maxim magazine.

Thanks for reading, oh and for those men who don’t read them for the articles, this is for you:

Kelly Brook, lads mag fave.  Why would that be?

Kelly Brook, lad's mag fave. Why would that be?