Culch.ie

(Another) DVD collection hall of pain

Four comments later and I’ve just realised that I did a very similar post to this back in July. Poxy amnesia. Cheers to anyone who noticed but was classy enough not to point it out. There’s some duplication but some new entries too…

Onwards…

We all have them, snuck away in the secret drawer with the 1980s sex dolls and sherpa porn that dare not leak its name. I’m talking about those DVDs you wouldn’t dare display alongside your Waltz With Bashirs, your Godfather trilogies and your Magnoliae.

Well, in the interests of having no shame, I’m presenting my own DVD atrocities, ten little crackers that have two things in common.

Thing the first: They’re not borrowed. They belong to me.

Thing the second: They’re all embarrassingly shite.

1) Nick And Norah’s Infinite Playlist.

I liked, didn’t love, Superbad and I loved, not just liked, Juno. That, however, does not excuse this Michael Cera-starring bag of utmost toss.

Premise: Two youngsters (Cera playing every character Cera has ever played and Kat Dennings, the titular Norah and only good thing about this mediocrity) traipse the streets of New York searching for their favourite band, Where’s Floppy?

‘Floppy’ are apparently the best thing to happen to music since, I dunno, Stain’d so it’s very important that our ‘will they/won’t they’ pair of star-crossed yada yadas catch them live. However there are pitfalls in the shape of plot contrivances, idiot ex-girlfriends and random pukings to overcome first before the inevitable climax where they almost don’t get together but inevitably set about bumping uglies. Muck.

2) Naked Camera – The Second Series.

I’ve never watched this so can’t really attest to its awfulness, but I’m pretty sure it’s bad. It was given to me by a female friendofafriend, a young one that I tried to cajole into bed back in the day. Before we ever went on a date she passed this birthday present on to me via our mutual acquaintance, so I figured I was ‘in there.’

I wasn’t. She wanted somebody who wore suits and drove Lexuses. Or is it Lexi? I’m left with this ’still laminated’ reminder of the tedium of our cheap pizza date.

3) Baby Mama.

I bought this recently, fooled by the reviews and Tina Fey being brilliant elsewhere. She plays a woman so mad to have childer that she employs a surrogate, played by Amy Poehler. I got through this by imagining doing bold things to the latter, who kinda reminded me of someone I was involved with for five minutes, but the film itself was standardised rubbish.

4) Wag The Dog.

You expect great things but instead get Robert De Niro phoning in the start of his, to this point, uninterrupted trip to the middle.

5) Coffee And Cigarettes.

If I want to see people sip espresso, smoke fags and talk shite, I’ll don the mothballed winter coat and sit outside The Bailey.

6) The Wedding Crashers.

The only film I’ve ever bought in a  Spar, and it left me as wanting as if I’d just eaten one of their cheap and disgusting chicken fillets rolls with extra yellowfied mayonnaise. No idea why I bought it because I fucking hate everything I’ve seen Vince Vaughn in (more of this further down) while Will Ferrell is approximately as funny as that toenail you’ve clipped just-that-bit-too-deep. Their smug cuntistry brand of comedy can do one, as far as I’m concerned.

7) Author Author.

I had a vague remembrance of watching this as a kid and liking it, plus it had Al Pacino pre-mad staring eyes bellowing loudly, so I picked up for a fiver a couple of years ago. I got half an hour in before switching it off, opening a tin of paint, depositing some shards of broken glass therein and gulping into oblivion. It wasn’t one of my better nights.

8 ) Swingers.

‘You’re so money.’ ‘No you’re money.’ ‘Man, dude, baby you’re so money you don’t even know how  money your money is, money honey.’

Would. You. FUCK off? Would you, please?

I can not see the appeal in this travesty of a film. The lads-going-to-Sin City thing has been done to death at this stage, and for me nothing could surpass the comic splendour of ‘Leaving Las Vegas,’ which was a laugh riot for all the family.

9) Waking Life.

Stream of consciousness wank from the normally assured Richard Linklater. Motion capture for its own sake.

10) I can’t find a tenth.

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