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Published on February 9th, 2010 | by Lisa McInerney


Sweary’s Jaw

If you weren’t already painfully aware that we’ve hit awards season, here’s a visual clue.

I’m absolutely bored feckless by the whole shebang already (although I’m tickled to hear that Sandra “Everbeige” Bullock is in the running for an Oscar and a Razzie in the same weekend, though tragically not for the same movie.) So here’s some non-razzlydazzly news as an antidote to all the gushing and ego-nuzzling. Without further adon’t, then.

One time, Mel Gibson was the kind of fella you’d find pawing at the Oscars lock-up, but that was before he was taken unawares by the worst case of foot-in-mouth syndrome this side of George Lee. Mr. Gibson, and his trusty sidekick, Mr. Ego, have been in the news recently for … well, calling a reporter a rude, rude word while being interviewed for … well, the news. When asked if he feared his famous anti-Semetic outburst would negatively affect cinema-goers perception of him, Mel brushed off the question by stating that his slip-up had occurred “almost four years ago“, and signed off with a muttered, “Bye bye, asshole“, in much the same way as a spotty teenager would mumble profanities at the back of his scariest teacher. Mel later claimed he was jokingly directing his incredibly witty insults at someone else entirely who didn’t mind at all.

I’m sure you’re as fed up as I am with Hollywood megastars calling people assholes without so much as a by-your-leave, and luckily, there is a brave group out there who will champion the little man: The French. During Mel’s subsequent interview for Canal+, he was snippily asked whether he’d “come prepared with French curse words for French journalists” Like any man who understands self-preservation, Mel meekly replied, “Non.” Cheese-eating surrender monkeys, my arse! French hacks: an example to us all!

Mel’s lack of manners sorted, shall we move on to Prince Harry’s lack of tact about Prince William’s lack of hair?

Now, I know that the English heirs with the unruly hairs aren’t exactly celebrities, but I’m Irish, so I don’t ever need to think of them as statesmen. And they do seem like rather charming chaps (aren’t they all, before their crown jewels drop?). Anyway, the princes had their official portrait unveiled last month, and seem to have only now gotten around to looking at it, or something. Such is he Life of Royally, plebs. Harry was less than impressed with the portrait, claiming it made him look more ginger than he actually is, the poor deluded pet. But then he balanced his gripe nicely by telling the world that the artist had generously given his older brother “more hair”. I have to agree that William appears a little heftier on top when rendered in oil colours, but Harry? Well, there’s a lot less orange paint in the Empire recently, let’s put it that way.

At the end of the day though … it gets dark, and Harry’s hair is a beacon to us all.

Hold on, I got sidetracked there. At the end of the day, being bald or ginger isn’t much of a handicap, even in the shallow world of celebrity. Being blind is a much greater challenge, and it’s something that Ricky Gervais is very clearly banjaxed by. The needlessly lofty “comedian” is into social geography these days, and has devised a solution to surging global population.

It’s not too many people,” ponders Ricky. “It’s too many people with nothing, too many unwanted children, too many people who are poor and struggling, as opposed to too many people. If they all had a good quality of life, no one would complain.” And just in case you thought there was some sort of valid point in there, Ricky then sums up with a handy, “What there is, is too many useless people.” People with a poor quality of life are useless? That’s me fucked. Anyway, on to the solution: sterilisation. Based on whether or not the subject has one of those “stupid, fat faces.”

I mean, come on! Ricky Gervais looks like the rear end of a bull mastiff who’s just sat on a Bonsai! Clearly there are no mirrors on Planet Prannet. There’s more to Ricky’s Marvellous Manifesto, but I’m too depressed to elaborate. Let’s move on to someone less puffed up on his own importance … Ozzy Osbourne!

Ozzy’s been given his yearly holiday from the cupboard under the stairs where Sharon keeps him along with the vacuum cleaner and the remains of Kelly’s pop career, and he’s used it wisely, by setting up interviews with CNN in which he discussed his once-reckless attitude to sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. He also took the opportunity to bemoan the state of music today. “[Musicians are] manufactured people now… like ice cream,” he sighed, most poetically, and I would have been inclined to agree with him, had he not followed up with, “I really like this Lady Gaga,” which relegates him to the level of credibility I would afford George L… oh, have I already made a George Lee joke? Sorry.

Also playing havoc with her credibility this week is Kate Winslet, who is an outspoken critic of airbrushing, or at least, of people who dare claim her photos have been airbrushed. Here she is in her new ad for Lancome.

Shut up! It is Kate Winslet! You can tell by the … by the … by the fact that I say so.

And just in case Kate’s complete lack of shame has put you off your elevenses, I’m happy to relight yer nom-noms with the news that the Facebook sausage roll who’s taking on Cheryl Cole in the battle for the hearts and minds of the people has amassed almost 850,000 adoring, peckish fans. Cheryl herself might even be one of them. Tis difficult not to warm to the authenticity and homely charms of a working-class sausage roll done good. I hear it doesn’t even have a criminal record. Dig in!

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About the Author

That cranky young wan from award-winning blog, Arse End Of Ireland, Lisa’s also noted for her dedication to cobbling together unrelated imprecations to make new and bemusing insults, mostly because she’s not eloquent enough to otherwise explain her deep-seated terror of genre fiction and Fianna Fail. In 2006, The Irish Times called her “… the most talented writer at work in Ireland today”, and her mam still can’t understand why this is better than being the new Marian Keyes. Which it totally is. Alright? Website Twitter: @SwearyLady Facebook.com/sweary Last FM: LeislVonTrapp

7 Responses to Sweary’s Jaw

  1. Peter Balfe says:

    Oh my lord in heaven – it was bound to happen sometime – I actually know every single person you mentioned today!

    I am so hip

  2. Sweary says:

    I couldn’t be more proud, Peter!

    Do you even know of the Sausage Roll? Though in fairness, although it’s only appearing in gossip columns recently, it’s been the backbone to pop culture for years and yonks.

  3. Peter Balfe says:

    I did! I am one of the 852,268 fans (ok had to find out who she was first – but its the thought that counts!)

  4. Swe.Ge says:

    Ozzie coming out of the closet…it’s about damn time!

  5. Old Knudsen says:

    I’m so glad you sold out, that ethnic stuff was too um ethnic. I always want to put a ‘S’ in front of TD every time he is mentioned.
    Sandra Bollocks is one of the great airbrushed beauties of our time, Kate has to lie doon to look younger.
    The two princes who like Jesus loves you Irish whether you want it or not.

    I must remind you of the orange in the tricolour that represents me and the evil I feed from, until you change yer flag to a nice red white and blue the future will always be orange.

  6. Sweary says:

    Knudders, the orange on the flag represents Calpol 6+. I’m sure of it.

    I don’t mind the princes loving us, as long as we’re not expected to love ’em back. Though Harry does look suspiciously like a Kerryman.

  7. bngr says:

    I’ve looked at that picture of Kate for the last few days thinking why haven’t you mentioned anything about Annie Lennox when there’s a picture of her in the post. It looks nothing like Kate.

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