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Published on October 22nd, 2010 | by Lisa McInerney

5

Sweary’s Jaw

Surreptitiously willing those Glee girls to put their damn pants back on, so you don’t have to.

So here’s the deal-ee-oh. I know I’ve been rather quiet recently re: the scandalous faffery of the more recognisable of our world citizens, but it’s only because I’ve really stopped giving a knob. I have other things to be doing, like tweeting about how shit everything is, or growing my fingernails. I’m only writing this because I worry that someone out there might actually care if I don’t. How could I tell if Lindsay Lohan wasn’t kept teetering on the brink instead of plummeting over it by googling Oirish websites for mentions of herself? HOW WOULD I KNOW? (Hello Lindsay, by the way! I’m sure that the nasty rumour about recently-single Christina Aguilera hooking up with Sam Ronson is complete hokey. In the words of the great Cher – from Clueless, that is, not that gay icon who’s but a bag of hammers masquerading as a pufferfish – they “just don’t mesh well”. Worry not your little freckly head about it. Also, did you know that Wikipedia says that Sam is a singer-songwriter? Is she, Lindsay? IS SHE REALLY? )

Anyway, gossip, gossip. Let’s see. Kanye West has had his bottom teeth “replaced by diamonds.” Behold!

Look again. THE TEETH ARE NOW DIAMONDS. Back at me. Sadly, he’s not Isaiah Mustafa. But if he had a better grasp of what’s genuinely cool and what’s fucking tragic, he might get that bit closer to admirably ironic vanity and that bit further away from the batshit crazy kind that makes people want to swallow their own fists when they see him. Kanye? No, ye kannot.

Still, there are more annoying creatures out there than Kanye, who is, after all, the greatest entertainer of his age, just not in the way he thinks. There are creations out there like Justin Bieber, a squealing, doe-eyed cuddlebot who seems to have sprung, fully-assembled, from a crate marked “Primo Parent Pocket Pumper”, ready to be launched at the world with the power of a zillion twanged training-bras. Did you know we’re due his autobiography? What a (slimline) treat! Anyway, Squeeber has been the news recently because of a laser-tag game that reportedly got out of hand, resulting in accusations that the little megastar “assaulted” a twelve-year-old. A complaint has been lodged, which IN NO WAY is a tossy attempt at extorting money out of the bleachy, peachy popstar, I’m sure. I’d say “more as the story unfolds” if the notion of this smooth-cheeked slice of delight slapping anyone around the place wasn’t so ridiculous. This is what Squeeber has to deal with for the rest of his time in the sun, you know – hyperbolic vampires wiping their arses on his coattails. Well done, Maw and Paw! I’m sure the real boy you’ve got squirreled away underneath the cash and champagne corks is well equipped to cope.

Gosh, that were depressing. Here’s something that’ll take your mind off it. Johnny Depp has reportedly bought 500 coats for the cast and crew of Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, as filming turned out to be a nippy experience. No, I don’t know why they didn’t already have coats. It’s the thought that counts. And thoughtful people express their thoughtfulness in different ways. Mr. Depp showers those around him with coats. David Hasselhoff waves frantically at passing motorists. Don’t judge.

Yes, The Hoff likes to stand on overpasses, waving down at commuters, and we would never have known were it not for once-relevant country warbler Leann Rimes spotting him and pleading for clarification on Twitter. “Omg, David Hasselhoff is standing on a freeway overpass in LA waving to people … Seriously!!! Can someone explain?” Luckily for her, there’s always a method to The Hoff’s madness, and he kindly got in touch to illustrate same. “It was me on the overpass. I like to make people’s commute a little more fun“, and c’mon, you can’t say fairer than that. Why aren’t Irish celebs so philanthropic with their time? I’m sure there are plenty of us who’d like such unexpected brushes with greatness – Craig Doyle giving out free windscreen washes by the Portlaoise bypass, maybe, or Andrea Roche parading on random, pointless occasions in a bikini in Stephen’s Green. Because she certainly doesn’t do that anymore. She’s a biznizwoman now!

Perhaps Hoff was taking pointers, albeit in his own Hoffin’-poffin way, from the master of getting dahn with his public, Mr. Barack Obama. The US president it’s ok to invite to your country has spoken to Rolling Stone about what he’s rocking to on his iPod, and it’s reassuringly safe, yet un-dad-like. It’s chocca with “… a lot of Stevie Wonder, a lot of Bob Dylan, a lot of Rolling Stones, a lot of R&B, a lot of Miles Davis and John Coltrane … Jay-Z used to be sort of what predominated, but now I’ve got a little Nas and a little Lil Wayne“. Be still our throbbing ears! We can’t be angry with an aural palette like that, now can we? It’s got pretty much a smattering of everything, and if there’s one thing I like in my US presidents, it’s a complete lack of focus.

The fact that the most powerful man on Earth listens to his music might cheer Mick Jagger a bit, because he has just cause to be quite the cranky mare at the moment. With bandmate Keith Richards‘ autobiography due out, the legendary guitarist has been focusing where Mick would rather he didn’t. His loins.

Keith quotes Mick’s ex Marianne Faithful as saying, “I had no fun with (Mick’s) tiny todger”. In his autobiography. Which will be bought and read by EVERYONE. Naughty, naughty Keith. He also estimates that “It was the beginning of the Eighties when Mick started to become unbearable”, which is love so tough it’d ask you outside for a fight if you looked sideways at it. Do I predict a frosty Christmas? Yes. Yes I do. Although I’d like to point out that if Mick doesn’t react, it would, in many ways, make him the bigger man. In many ways. Jesus, it’s a start.

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About the Author

That cranky young wan from award-winning blog, Arse End Of Ireland, Lisa’s also noted for her dedication to cobbling together unrelated imprecations to make new and bemusing insults, mostly because she’s not eloquent enough to otherwise explain her deep-seated terror of genre fiction and Fianna Fail. In 2006, The Irish Times called her “… the most talented writer at work in Ireland today”, and her mam still can’t understand why this is better than being the new Marian Keyes. Which it totally is. Alright? Website Twitter: @SwearyLady Facebook.com/sweary Last FM: LeislVonTrapp



5 Responses to Sweary’s Jaw

  1. The most powerful man on earth is Kim Jong Il. We all shall bow to his majesty lest he smite us with the power of 1400 South Koreans.

  2. Sweary says:

    Dermot, you’re right to an extent. But I bet his iPod is full of Def Leppard and Nana Mouskouri, which brings him down a few notches.

  3. Swe.Ge says:

    Hah! Hah! The Bieber piece was hilarious

  4. Peter says:

    Love it

  5. Bngr says:

    look again, the teeth are now diamonds. Love it.

    Trouble with the zillion dollar teeth jobs that Simon Cowell and David Bowie got done over the years is it makes them look like they have dentures.

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