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Published on March 24th, 2011 | by Lisa McInerney

5

Sweary’s Jaw: Ringside Tweet

Twitter was five years old the other day, and the whole virtual landscape flowered with congratulations and early-onset nostalgia. The first tweet was dug up and retweeted, retweeted, and retweeted again in worldwide echo, and we all wondered how we ever got by without our own tailored news feeds and gossip lines. I’m not entirely sure what the Twitter primary directive was – social media blah, open line of communication wah, but its snippet-sweet and frequently one-way nature has proven the perfect blah-wah ground for A-list celebrities. You gotta be on Twitter to be uber-anything, man. Twitter, to celebrities, is like having the only megaphone in a room full of people with laryngitis. It’s the absolute bollocks!

With that in mind, I thought I’d check out how everyone’s favourite celebrities were doing on the ould Twitteroo. Are they using the platform in order to connect with their fans? Are they taking advantage of the relative freedom of expression Twitter allows its users? Are they using it to send cries for help and Starbucks out into the big wide world? Let’s see, shall we?

Ranked by number of followers, here are the top ten celebrity Twitter accounts (which means no Barack Obama; he’s an American President, kids, not the fifth fucking Beatle).

Lady Gaga:

Gags is all about art, and freedom of expression, and art, and wearing bacon as art, and art. Her Twitter page is about teamwork and positivity and love and exclamation marks. Jesus, this woman celebrates the inane like Tom Cruise celebrates couches. I don’t know if that’s very artistic of her, and whether she intends to subvert our notions of what’s worth an exclamation mark, but even taking into account that there could be a po-faced creative slant to the happy-happy-joy-joy, her timeline wearied me so much my pulse disappeared. Gags has nearly nine million followers and I can’t understand how they haven’t all swallowed their tongues from boredom by now.

Gaga’s Twittertainment Value: 3

Justin Bieber:

Justin is all about retweeting tweets from fans about how great he is. And tagging his celebrity buddies and telling them how great they are through the awesome power of retweeting tweets from his fans about how great they are. And he is. LOL! CAPITALS! HASHTAGS! TWITTER! LOL! CRAZY! And after reading his timeline for ten seconds you start wondering why #runaway #juggernauts haven’t #flattened him by now LOL it’s as if there isn’t a #GOD rofl! It’s like Simple Simon simultaneously discovering poppers and skinny jeans. #Jesushelpus

Bieber’s Twittertainment Value: 3

Britney Spears:

Believe it or not, Britney is also all about the love and the thanks and the fans and the humble, humble pie. She’s also suspiciously adept at grammar and punctuation. It’s almost as if she got a proper, non-Disney education at some stage. Or hired some Uni graduates to look after her charmlessly grateful Twitter feed. Even more pointless than Gaga.

Britney’s Twittertainment Value: 2

Kim Kardashian:

Her from the sex tape and the endless reality TV series. Kim is a little more about interacting with her fans, but not in a retweeting-their-tearful-vomit kind of way. In between waffling about getting dressed fourteen times a day and her fascinating work-out schedule, Kim likes to ask questions of her people. What a pleasant lady! It’s almost as if she understands the potential of carving a real connection with fans who … Oh no, hold on, she asks, but doesn’t acknowledge any answers. Why? I don’t know. Maybe coz she doesn’t actually give a fuck.

Tasteful stuff, love.

Kardashian’s Twittertainment Value: 4

Ashton Kutcher:

Ah, the original social media A-list darling. Surely Kutcher knows more than any of his peers the awesome power of The Twitter? Well, yes and no. He’s more open about what he says, and evidently enjoys musing into the murk, but there’s only so much misspelled manifestos and badly-worded political statements one can take before one starts wondering why no one’s invoked the cleansing fire of a social media manager for Ashton. Which, I know, is a direct contradiction of the indignant stick I beat Britney with two paragraphs above. I’m flimsy like that. And he could at least use a spell-check function. Fuck’s sake, Chrome has one built-in!

Ever worry about Lybia? Apparently, it’s a genus of small crabs.

Ashton’s Twittertainment Value: 5

Katy Perry:

Imagine you had a huge dictionary. Now imagine it fell on Katy Perry’s head. Now imagine she tried to tweet after sustaining such a head injury. Now imagine some lollipops. Now imagine a unicorn overdosing on the lollipops. Now imagine … oh, look, a butterfly!

Extratresstrials: the ordeal of hair extensions.

Katy’s Twittertainment Value: 3

Ellen De Generes:

Ellen likes two things: her show and REALLY FUNNY PICTURES OF SQUEE! So either her team are tweeting links to her show or they’re posting links to kids with bad haircuts cuddling kittehs. I had to trawl through oceans of sleeping puppies and clips of Ellen being proficient with her lines before I came across a non-show, non-squee tweet. And it was, in fairness, rather wonderful. But then again, Ellen has some mighty writers workin’ those keyboards. So, Twitter, tell us: who is Ellen? What is Ellen really like? Fucking fucked if I know.

Ellen’s Twittertainment Value: 6

Taylor Swift:

Taylor Swift’s Twitter handle is @taylorswift13, which seems to be because she’s got a thing for the number thirteen. Pity. I’d really hoped it was because she was so late to the party, 12 other Taylorbots got in there ahead of her. Maybe that’s exactly what happened, and she had to organise a mathelogical quirk on short notice so as not to appear like a bloody airhead. She’s so not an airhead, you guys. She’s really into telling us all how amazing all these other countries are because she’s totally in them at the time. ZOMG GERMANY!!! Reading an atlas is more entertaining.

Swift’s Twittertainment Value: 0

Oprah Winfrey / Shakira:

Logically, the uber-successful-and-about-as-open-as-a-post-office-at-5:35pm Oprah and the bilingual-and-about-as-engaging-as-the-lock-in-a-public-toilet Shakira come next, but … yeah. So instead here’s some …

5ocent!:


Fiddy’s Twittertainment Value: 9

and Charlie Sheen!:


Sorry, what?

Charlie’s Twittertainment Value: 8

Gosh, yes. These guys are using The Twitter in the manner for which it was designed. They’re showing their true selves to their adoring public and we’re only thrilled to be allowed sup from the cup of Mental. Watch and learn, Gaga. This is life as art.

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About the Author

That cranky young wan from award-winning blog, Arse End Of Ireland, Lisa’s also noted for her dedication to cobbling together unrelated imprecations to make new and bemusing insults, mostly because she’s not eloquent enough to otherwise explain her deep-seated terror of genre fiction and Fianna Fail. In 2006, The Irish Times called her “… the most talented writer at work in Ireland today”, and her mam still can’t understand why this is better than being the new Marian Keyes. Which it totally is. Alright? Website Twitter: @SwearyLady Facebook.com/sweary Last FM: LeislVonTrapp



5 Responses to Sweary’s Jaw: Ringside Tweet

  1. Swe.Ge says:

    Hah ! Brilliant consise analysis of celebrity!
    Exellent stuff! Oh you forgot @glendagilson – what’s a spellchecker?

  2. Annie says:

    I HEART U @SWEaRY!!!!1 FOLLO Me BCK PLLLLLLLZZ xxxxXxxxxXxxxx #WINNING #WOW #EFFINGIDIOTS

  3. Peter Balfe says:

    What is this twitter you speak about?

  4. If our planet is destroyed from a post Fukiyama nuclear fallout explosion and all that remains of the earth is this article, when distant aliens from foreign galaxies find it they will have all they need to know about our kind. And they’ll have a laugh.

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