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Published on November 7th, 2011 | by Andy Gaffney

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Andy’s Top 5 Scenes from TV that make you want a Puppy and a Gun.

A little while ago on this I selected five scenes from films that proved that the world is a rather lovely and cuddly place. A bit like a rather over weight cat or  that drunk person who just wants love outside Burger King on Grafton Street at four on a Saturday morning. Yes, my friends, the world is a pretty great place to be. However, I recently watched episode two of Derren Brown’s four part ‘The Experiments’ series where using his frankly rather dashing wizard like powers he attempts to show the true nature of human beings. Without getting too much into spoiler zone (don’t worry, there will be plenty of that to come) he allowed an audience to believe that they were taking part in a new game show, where they would be able to vote on what happened to one person. The audience were always given two options, one which would mean a very nice thing happening to that person they were controlling and the other meant a very bad thing happening to that person. Sure enough every time the crowd picked the nasty option, up to a point where genuinely horrible things were happening to the person, all heading up to climax where your stomach felt like it had just been punched repeatedly by a care bear who frankly realized he was on the losing team.
Yes, you may be one of the five percent of people whose dreams haven’t died yet leaving you free to live in a world of ‘checking in’ at exclusive club nights and ‘retweeting’ nice things your celebrity friends have said about you. However the rest of us are drowning in a sea of bastard. For example, that fella you want? He’s only looking for an excuse to promise to pay for the morning after pill, only for you to find out at the emergency clinic that not only has he gave you a fake name, but the money he handed you is made out of paper from your diary with the euro sign crudely written using the tears of the other fools that fell for him. Don’t be fooled about the once joyful shouts of S Club 7 telling you to reach for the stars, the stars just want to burn you and then piss in the wound. Luckily television is always there as a soothsayer of wisdom in the corner of our rooms with shows to remind us of this. With this I bring you my ‘Top 5 Scenes from TV that makes you want a puppy and a gun’. Firstly though, some housekeeping. 1. Obviously there will be a lot of spoilers here so if you don’t want to know, just be careful. Or the episode points will be painfully obvious 2.  Its just my opinion, and I happen to think that recent tele has been really rather brilliant.

Andy’s Top 5 Scenes from TV that you make you want a Puppy and a Gun

5. Lost –  Series 3 Finale ‘ Through the Looking Glass’

Up to this episode Lost had long established its dual episode nature of having the Island bits in the present day while off the island in flashback form. So with this episode we saw a broken, suicidal and alone hero of the show, Jack, off the island while on the island a triumphant moses of a man leading his people to finally making contact with the outside world, and finding time to tell the girl he loves her. Darling it was. Only this saw Lost for the first time ditch the off island flashback and instead show what happens to our heroes after they leave the island. Which meant of course that the moment that, thus far, the series had been building too, would not lead to the happy, romantic ending I had hoped but instead be the emotional equivalent of opening up a roses tin, thinking all the best ones are still there only to discover your mate just put the wrappers back in because he was too lazy to walk to the bin. The Bastard.

4. Mad Men – Series 1 Finale ‘The Wheel’
A tricky one here in more ways than one. Firstly, because without the twist at the end of this episode, it would have found its way onto a TV ‘Lovely scene’ list, and secondly, because a few people I have spoken to found this scene lovely because they felt that the character got what he deserved. Lead Mad Man Don Draper having spent the season having frankly, a bucket load of empty and shallow one night stands while all the way acting a bit of a dick to his wife, has the closest he is going to get to an ‘Attaboy, Clarence’-style emotional break through. While pitching his new ad campaign to Kodak, he uses their product along with personal photos of his wife and children to speak about how the product has the power to bring you to a place ‘Where we know we are loved’. Spurred on by this, he rethinks his earlier decision to not spend holiday time with his family and races home to be welcomed by a wave of hugs and affection. Only of course, that didn’t actually happen, and the series ends to him sitting in an empty house with possibly the saddest song of all time playing out while the scenes from the sadness on his face to a faded out black screen. Though, did he deserve it? I dunno, I have a soft spot for him and his woes, the little tiger.

3. Doctor Who – Series 4 Finale ‘Journey’s End’

Doctor Who never dwells on heart break. Granted it’s always around the corner, but so is the promise of hope and the idea that with good people by your side, the bad guys will always lose and you’ll be home in time for a hug and a cup of tea. Magic. It’s for these reasons that not only do I think it should be shown in schools but also why it is the best television show ever made. It just is. Even at its bleakest, there is always a bit of fun around the corner. Apart from one series finale, however. In what must have been a hugely bad mood day for writer Russell T Davies, he grants the Doctor all of his most recent companions and uses them to help the Doctor, quite actually, drag the earth back to safety, to scenes that involve more hugs than a montage of Dermot O’Leary. What Mr Davies then does, however, is remove the friends one by one. In some cases it’s natural and normal for them to move on but in the cases of Catherine Tate’s Donna and Billie Piper’s Rose, he really has you reaching for the brandy and smokes. Without getting too confusing for people who haven’t seen it, The Doctor has to remove any memory that his most loyal friend Donna had of him, while Rose, the woman whom he loved, buggered off to another world with a guy who looked and acted exactly like him. Which frankly is every guy’s worst nightmare. The girl going off with a guy just like you, not removing your best friend’s memory, that doesn’t really happen every day. Obviously.

2. Angel – Series 5 Finale ‘Not Fade Away’

Jaysus, a few finales on this huh? However, this marks the first time in this stomach-saddening count down where series finale meant the end of the series as a whole, which really did slip into the writing. When Joss Whedon’s Buffy came to an end the year before in 2003, Whedon was left with his new toy Firefly and the, in my opinion, Buffy-beating Angel, to continue being really rather great with. However, soon came the word that Firefly was to be cancelled. It came with the promise that he would always have Angel, however half way through series five, that promise was to be broken with the studio giving Whedon half a series to wrap everything up. Using the finale to brilliantly sum up how he now felt about about the workings of television he had the heroes that we had loved for five years go up against an unbeatable force. One that, even though you can stand up against it for a while, will always win and there is nothing anyone can do about it. With this he left Angel and the remaining members of his team standing in the rain realising  their fate as they took one final march at the screen. Yup, the journey that began with me flicking through the first days of Tv3 thinking “Oh this one buffy is pretty” would end with me going out in the garden and finding children to tell them “Never dream kids, the man will just keep you down”. Still, great ending though, eh?

1. The Office – Series 2 Finale ‘Interview’

And here it is, the scene that could make a child who just found an x-box made out of ice-cream and kittens die a little inside. A completely brilliant ending, but a brutal heart kicking one. For twelve wonderful episodes we had fallen in love with the gang from Slough, we hoped with all our hearts that Tim and Dawn would get together and that David Brent would find that tiny bit of happiness needed in his life to cop himself on a little bit and be the man he could be. With the news that the end of the second series would mean the end of the show, surely they would have to give us at least one of these things? However Mr Gervais and Mr Merchant had very different ideas. The episode ends with a gut wrenching double blow. Firstly a just-fired but still acting high for the cameras Brent has a completely out of character breakdown which leaves him begging not to be fired. Along with this Tim, in a stunning silent scene, tells a soon-to-be-leaving Dawn how he feels. Oh why can’t the series have ended with  him picking her up only to be interrupted by a newly promoted Brent? It ended without Brent getting an answer on if his begging had paid off and Tim returning to his desk, turning on his mic and revealing that “She said no by the way”.  But at least it would turn out not to end that way.

So there we go, five scenes guaranteed to drive the happiness out of even Jedward. However, let’s not dwell on the pain, sure the majority of people who pass you on the street are such self-obsessed bastards that they would stab you in the hand if it gave them the opportunity to moan about their own problems down the police station, but the world ain’t all bad. Look here’s a robin, leaving the nest the first time, bless.

That guy you wanted back in paragraph two? He later punched this robin to death by the way.

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Tea crowder, housekeeper, comedy heart throb



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