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Published on February 12th, 2012 | by Andy Gaffney


Culch Valentine’s: How to be single on Valentine’s Day

Hi there gorgeous,

So, Valentine’s Day. Starry-eyed loser, star-crossed lover or cross-eyed malcontent, you’re bound to have an opinion on it, yes? Be it a memory, a barely-concealed urge to vomit, a poem for your other half that makes the rest of us vomit, a scribbled note on what a perfect valentine’s would be for you, a history lesson on the relics of St Valentine, an angry swipe at Hallmark, a cry for help because you don’t know your partner much better than you know your postman and you’re deathly scared of trying to shop for them or anything in between, we share those feelings and each day in the run up to the 14th one of Culch’s writers will bring you their own personal Valentine’s thoughts.

With love and last-minute garage chocolates,


Ah Valentine’s Day, an excuse for singles the world over to pop ‘The Blower’s Daughter’ back on their iPods, use the Tesco special ‘Romantic offers’ leaflet as bitter inky toilet paper and generally moan about other people’s happiness.

Valentine’s Day will be on your mind the most if you are either in a relationship or have just been broken up with. Both of these cases are rather easy to deal with. If you have been dumped, chances are you’ll be too busy drinking shop brand whiskey and tearfully masturbating in front of Loose Women to notice another day bringing you slowly closer to death.

With regards to the relationship, if you have someone in your life who you could make a little happier in your life, of course you should make some gesture. Who wouldn’t want to make someone happy? The Nazi’s thats who. However, if you should find yourself in the grey area between relationship and dumped, allow me to offer some thoughts and advice on the two areas where I have mostly spent Valentine’s Day in my adult life.

The I’m Single

Let’s fact it who actually wants a stereotypical Valentine’s Day gift? They are rubbish. I frankly have enough tosh in my flat without having to pretend to like a heart-holding Elephant still smelling of the sweat of the children who made it. A quick look through a Valentine’s Day Gift Guide so far has advertised a large Toblerone bar and a heart-shaped frying pan. Perfect for the morning of the 15th where she thinks you bought the bar in the airport on the holiday where you motorboated a stripper while you cook her a fry shaped like the organ you’re destroying with fried bread. Yummy. So when you wake up on said day without a gift or a girlfriend/boyfriend, remember you’ve also saved about twenty euro which you can spend on tissues and vaseline when Christmas rolls around and when partners actually get good gifts. Simple advice here, ask someone single up for a John Cusack DVD and get drunk, who knows what might happen?

The Person I Love Must Be Having A Wonderful Night

A genuine tough one this. In your head the person you’ve spent the last few months staring at on Facebook, looking at their Spanish holiday photos and ‘retweeting’ every piece of crap they have said just so they know you find them funnier than their partner, is off having the most romantic night he or she has ever had.

No they’re not, chances are if its a long term couple the evening was spent in silence looking into the other person’s dead eyes as they wish you would A) Dump them so they can have a go with the sexy red head they have been flirting with B) Dump them so they can blog about it or C) Die.

So what should you do to instead of sitting in thinking about them? Head out, because more than likely you could meet someone else struck by unrequited love down your local and the two of you could engage in vodka orange rejection-filled sex. In fact why not set up a  Facebook group inviting all your friends who are in love with someone else to have a meet up that resembles a sort of heartbreak electric ladyland fuck fest?

Happy Valentine’s everyone!

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About the Author

Tea crowder, housekeeper, comedy heart throb

One Response to Culch Valentine’s: How to be single on Valentine’s Day

  1. Laikaa says:

    This is probably your best piece yet Sir.

    I also think Heartbreak Electric Ladyland Fuckfest would be a great band or festival name.

    Get on that universe.

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